Sunday, March 2, 2008

Someday I'll Wear a Crown

Pelton & Crane.

Pelton & Crane.

Pelton & Crane.

Those are the names that flash before my eyes when the demons come to get me.

What are they doing to me? I should really stop this. I cannot scream, because my mouth is filled with not only the fingers of these masked invaders but with a miniature shop vac as well. If I move my arms, I will disturb the funky paper towel they have roach clipped around my neck. Is that my teeth I smell burning? I think the roof of my mouth is being sandblasted by the grit of my own enamel they are grinding off. This is too much to bear. There is nothing to do but lie back on this chair and accept the violation.

Just stare into the light and try to find a happy place. What are those words in the light?

Pelton & Crane.

Pelton & Crane.

Pelton & Crane.

Earlier this week I visited the dentist. Things weren’t too bad from a cavity standpoint, but it would seem my lifelong grinding habit is causing problems again. (I am a POWER-WORRIER. I even spend my sleeping time with my jaws in a stress-filled clench. Then, I just steadily grind my teeth while dreaming of people hurting me under the guise of providing dental care.) So I have cracked off part of the molar farthest back on the top right side, and in April I am going back to get a crown.

As I left the dentist and drove to work, I snapped. Whether it was true PTSD or just my normal DTs, I don’t know. However, my heart rate was about 190 beats per minutes, and the population density of the thoughts in my normally crowded brain spiked to a record high. I happened to have a tablet with me in the car, and here are some of the random thoughts I scribbled so that I could later share them with you.

  1. When's the last time we got a new album from Pablo Cruise?
  2. Somewhere between Karen Carpenter and Mama Cass there is a happy middle ground.
  3. Most Police Officers do feel the call to "Protect and Serve", but at least a few become cops because they want to hit folks with batons.
  4. Although all of the Righteous Brothers' songs sound alike and all of ZZ TOPP's songs sound alike...the songs from these two groups don't necessarily sound like each other.
  5. When analyzing 100% of the population, we find that 49.99% of the people form 100% of the subset whose IQ is below the median.
  6. If I could go back to high school, I would forego all real sports and be a male cheerleader. (Hmmmm...let's around with a stick and/or ball, hit and/or grab other sweaty guys versus lifting hot chicks in mini-skirts over my head.... YEP!!!!!! I'd definitely be a male cheerleader.
  7. Helen Keller gets made out to be some amazing person, but the truth is she probably had no painting skills at all.
  8. You almost never see somebody driving a Ferrari for a Winter Beater.
  9. Surprisingly, we never hear about Mamaw New Guinea. Is Papua New Guinea all alone, or does he just keep her in the house buried in work?
  10. I wonder if Timothy B. Schmit from The Eagles and Rodney A. Grant from “Dances With Wolves” have the same barber?

It was just calculus scraping and x-rays that led to this week’s episode. What will it be like in April when I go for the first crown-fitting appointment? I may have to hire a stenographer to record the expected large number of random, scary thoughts following that two hour marathon of Pelton & Crane torture.

“Oh but it’s all right_____________ Once you get past the pain_____________”, Cory Lerios and David Jenkins (Pablo Cruise)


tablesawed said...

Small world, Orthodontically speaking. I just went through this, and am awaiting the final crown. A piece of advice: lots of tums the night before and morning of the day you get the shots in the mouth, and no sweets or coffee that day. This will allow the Novocaine or other anesthetic to work much easier. I also went so far as to get one of those NTI devices for the nighttime clenching. It works, though it took a little getting used to. Nothing like the smell of a tooth being drilled and the sound as it reverberates through your skull like a memory long-since repressed, eh?

Anonymous said...

I am, unfortunately, a chronic experiment in dentistry.

I've found that an advil or some other anti inflamatory just prior to the visit pays large dividends afterwards. Almost makes the whole thing bearable...

And just so this post has some relevance to the blog,

I loved your stat on people's intellegence. But what's that median number???

Al Rossi