Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Keeping it Fresh...

Friends, I am back from Brazil and busily planning for a trip into the heart of the Amazon (Manaus) next week.

It would be so easy to just ignore the blog for a few weeks until things settle down, but I am not going to do that.

So even though this is short, I am tossing you a bone to keep it savory.

This is the best joke I have written in the last 3 days. Feel free to use it. (Hell, there's a chance one of my comedian buddies has already stolen it and used it on the radio or on stage.)

Here goes...

The next time someone launches into a story that is a complete waste of your time, here is what you do. Hold up a finger and say, "I hate to interrupt, I need to take a moment to download the 'GIVE A SHIT App' for my iPhone."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Absense Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...


You just never know how popular you really are.

I did my normal Google search of my name today to see how things have changed after going 3 months without a blog entry.

Look what I found....

There are some who say they are fans of the blog, but look at Hannah Bradley. That chick went and changed her middle name to "Jeff Skiver."


Others have claimed to be my "Number 1 fan". One person was just non-committal enough to claim to be my "Number 2 fan."

But Hannah Bradley showed her allegiance without ever even emailing me to tell me how much she loved my work.

Folks, I am sorry for going away for so long. I just never realized how much everyone loves me.

If any other Skiving Off fan has enacted a name change, gotten a tattoo, or (in the case of a black fraternity member) gotten my name or image BRANDED on their body.... feel free to let me know.

You are the people who make all of the hard work and suffering worthwhile.

As Coach Dale said, "I love you guys."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Can You and YOUR Dog Please Fix My Car?

Gail and I had a discussion last night to determine which of us appears more insane based upon the blog entry from yesterday.

The consensus is that I alone am insane since the validity of most of what I wrote about Gail is questionable.

Nevertheless, I went with the “I did it to protect you!!!!!!” defense.

Since it is evident to the whole world that I am out of the country, I had to throw something out there to put trepidation and fear in the heart and mind of anyone who might think of stopping by the Flying J Circle S Dude Ranch and Woodshop and making off with a Panther Saw, a Bridge City Foxtail, or a 25th Anniversary Lie-Nielsen 4 ½.

It seems the house is a somber, lonely place at the moment. Each day Gail sends me camera phone photos of Peyton camped out at the front door waiting for me to get home.

Then, late at night Gail goes down to the door and drags his furry butt up to bed where he apparently drifts off to sleep thinking of me and then wakes up the next morning still thinking of me. (It is sort of flattering to be loved like that, even by a dog.)

By comparison, calls to Gail while I am in Brazil do not find her moping around awaiting my return. Rather, calls to Gail find her at Vera Bradley shopping for hand bags.

Gentlemen, this is my bit of wisdom for the day….

Women say they love you, but manage to “move on” before your car is out of the driveway.

Dogs not only fail to sense you are leaving, but then struggle to even function without you.

The difference is: “Have you ever seen a dog in a bikini?”

Even if you get beyond the hair, the bumpy parts just aren’t in the right spots.

So we always come home to the ladies. And they show us their new hand bags, new shoes, and a flat tire on the SUV that needs IMMEDIATE attention.

Guys, if it weren’t for fixing flats and replacing wiper blades, we might just be completely unnecessary to women of this planet. Then, our lives will have gone to the dogs.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Latest Google Latitude Update Shows Skiver in Brazil

Holy Shit....who are you people???

God as my witness, I was just sitting in a restaurant eating lunch in Rio when my Blackberry buzzed indicating yet another person was pissed at me and willing to tell me so.

Lo and behold, instead, it was an email letting me know someone named "Murphy" had commented on the Blog I used to have.

When I read the comment I got scared trying to think of all the people who might know I was in Rio this week....

In the last three months, I have traveled a lot. I keep meaning to add an update or two to inform the three people who still give two shits (that would be 6 total shits...) what all Peyton and I have been doing during our travels.

Nevertheless, I seem to never get around to updating the blog.

By the way, Peyton is not with me on this trip. Instead, he is home guarding the house this week, but it isn't really necessary given Gail is armed to the teeth and fully trained in how to deal with insurgents and trespassers based upon the time our government paid to send her to a very fancy debutante school located in an exciting place called Twentynine Palms, California. (Ooh-Rah!!!!)

When we bought the new house the first thing Gail did was disconnect the alarm system. When I asked her why, she replied, "On the off chance someone breaks in and I only manage to wound them....I don't want the authorities showing up and saving their ass. There's a lot better chance of their bleeding to death in the driveway if we just wait until the neighbors call in reporting the sound of my M1014...."

Original readers of this blog will well understand that I am married to a badass.

I once asked Gail why she alternates every other shell between buckshot and slugs. She replied, "Sometimes when you actively engage the opposition, one of the little shits loses his balls and wants to hide behind a door or a wall. You need the buckshot to ensure damage on multiple targets, but you need the slugs to penetrate solid cover...."

Original readers of this blog will well understand that I am married to a badass.

As I said, I am in Brazil. Peyton keeps texting me to ask when I will be home to order Gail and her Benelli to Stand Down.