1-800-BAD-DRUG

Great News, Boys & Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got word from the Edwards Camp that as soon as John officially drops out of the election his very first (back in the saddle) ambulance chasing case is going to be a multi-billion dollar suit against WHM/JET and Forrest for the tragic loss of the tip of my thumb.

I actually thought we had no case given the tip grew back within a few days, but I have been assured that the American Legal System is all about the emotions of one's communications and has no connection to facts.

So if you have a Forrest blade that needs to be resharpened you had better send that baby in quick. Because a couple of months from now I'll own 5% of that company, and John Edwards will own the other 95%. And we won't be in the blade sharpening business for long. We'll liquidate the assets and put the employees on the street and blame the current administration for ignoring the economy.

Please note: my injury actually occurred with an Oldham blade, since it happened before I discovered the perfection of the Forrest Woodworker II. However, John's people pulled some D&B's and found that Forrest has a more lucrative capital position than Oldham. So next thing you know...I suddenly remember it as a Forrest blade that I jammed my thumb into. (That's how law suits work...)

By the way, when I questioned John about the 95/5 split I was told that justice isn't about money for the victims...our focus should be on making the big boys pay. Part of my brain thought it was insane that the lawyer would get 95% and I would get 5% since I am the one who lost the tip of a thumb for the 9 days or so it took to grow back, but the emotion with with John explained it to me was so sincere and compelling that I just signed the contract.

Also, to my friend Steve... I'm going to need to get that Jet Contractor saw back that I sold you two years ago. John says we're going to need it for evidence. He also said something about needing to OJ it up. (That's lawyer talk for spreading my blood/DNA all over it.) So when we get it back to you after the trial you might want to wash it down. You can email Detective Drew Peterson for tips on removing blood stains....he's more helpful than Heloise when it comes to cleaning up a crime scene. If Marine Cpl. Cesar Armando Laurean had paid attention to the techniques of Detective Drew, he could be still showing off some Esprit de Corps at Camp Lejeune instead of eating real authentic Mexican food and battling gastrointestinal disorders as his system adjusts to the Agua.

I want to confirm that the above posting about John Edwards has nothing to do with politics. Please remember that if a Southern guy isn't even going to carry the Democratic Primary in his own birth state against a couple of Yankees who fall into a category South Carolinians refer to as DIIIIIII-VERRRRRRRS-SITY...well, then he's not really even a politician. In other words it's ok to say anything about John Edwards. Apparently NOBODY likes him...

In an effort to provide equal hatred for all, perhaps tomorrow we'll go after Ann Coulter and The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. However, I don't want to offend Ann because I have almost gotten her to agree to be in an Anorexia Tag Team Cage Match with Calista Flockhart, Victoria Beckham, and Mary-Kate Olsen. So I don't want to piss her off and have her cancel out before we get to experience that bone clanking catfight.