Thursday, January 24, 2008

1-800-BAD-DRUG

Great News, Boys & Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got word from the Edwards Camp that as soon as John officially drops out of the election his very first (back in the saddle) ambulance chasing case is going to be a multi-billion dollar suit against WHM/JET and Forrest for the tragic loss of the tip of my thumb.

I actually thought we had no case given the tip grew back within a few days, but I have been assured that the American Legal System is all about the emotions of one's communications and has no connection to facts.

So if you have a Forrest blade that needs to be resharpened you had better send that baby in quick. Because a couple of months from now I'll own 5% of that company, and John Edwards will own the other 95%. And we won't be in the blade sharpening business for long. We'll liquidate the assets and put the employees on the street and blame the current administration for ignoring the economy.

Please note: my injury actually occurred with an Oldham blade, since it happened before I discovered the perfection of the Forrest Woodworker II. However, John's people pulled some D&B's and found that Forrest has a more lucrative capital position than Oldham. So next thing you know...I suddenly remember it as a Forrest blade that I jammed my thumb into. (That's how law suits work...)

By the way, when I questioned John about the 95/5 split I was told that justice isn't about money for the victims...our focus should be on making the big boys pay. Part of my brain thought it was insane that the lawyer would get 95% and I would get 5% since I am the one who lost the tip of a thumb for the 9 days or so it took to grow back, but the emotion with with John explained it to me was so sincere and compelling that I just signed the contract.

Also, to my friend Steve... I'm going to need to get that Jet Contractor saw back that I sold you two years ago. John says we're going to need it for evidence. He also said something about needing to OJ it up. (That's lawyer talk for spreading my blood/DNA all over it.) So when we get it back to you after the trial you might want to wash it down. You can email Detective Drew Peterson for tips on removing blood stains....he's more helpful than Heloise when it comes to cleaning up a crime scene. If Marine Cpl. Cesar Armando Laurean had paid attention to the techniques of Detective Drew, he could be still showing off some Esprit de Corps at Camp Lejeune instead of eating real authentic Mexican food and battling gastrointestinal disorders as his system adjusts to the Agua.

I want to confirm that the above posting about John Edwards has nothing to do with politics. Please remember that if a Southern guy isn't even going to carry the Democratic Primary in his own birth state against a couple of Yankees who fall into a category South Carolinians refer to as DIIIIIII-VERRRRRRRS-SITY...well, then he's not really even a politician. In other words it's ok to say anything about John Edwards. Apparently NOBODY likes him...

In an effort to provide equal hatred for all, perhaps tomorrow we'll go after Ann Coulter and The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. However, I don't want to offend Ann because I have almost gotten her to agree to be in an Anorexia Tag Team Cage Match with Calista Flockhart, Victoria Beckham, and Mary-Kate Olsen. So I don't want to piss her off and have her cancel out before we get to experience that bone clanking catfight.

12 comments:

Ace HoleInOne said...

My god man, the stuff that goes on between your ears…, I like it! Isn’t America great…! Can’t we simply adhere to a simple rule called “assumption of risk.”

Yes, yes you fool, should you decided to step into a pair of ski and ski boot’s hurling your big chunky a** down the Mountain. Figure on perhaps that you could actually fall and hurt yourself?!?!?! Ya got nobody to blame but yourself.

-Ace-

Jeff Skiver said...

See that's the kind of attitude I don't want on my jury. If we accidentally get a couple of jurors with common sense then there is no way I can profit from the personal clumsiness that caused me to lose the tip of that thumb (for a week or so).

Also, I just realized that during the week that I was bandaged up, I happened to encounter a couple of talent agents who were very impressed with the beauty of my uninjured right hand, and they suggested I would be great as a hand model for print advertising. You know...you see the Breitling watch, the crisp French Cuffs and Links, and my hand. Just like George Costanza before me, they said I had a hand that could be worth millions, but when they saw the bandaged left thumb, the deals fell apart.

Well, I have to get John on the phone, there is no telling just how much the value of these lost opportunities are worth. Not just in money...but it is likely as a hand supermodel I would have been able to date chicks like Elizabeth Hurley, Gwen Stefani, or Hannah Montana. There is just no telling how much value a jury will assign for the missed opportunity of scoring with any of those chicks.

Ace HoleInOne said...

Well think about this… you are now in the “spin zone.” As I currently see it, now with flesh damage, I like to call “character,” so what, a little bark is missing from the tree. You have real Man hands now. Sure ya lost out on the gold cuff link stuff and Britney Spears/Anna Nicole Smith type chicks. Hey, the elevator just won’t go to the top floor there. You need better than that, you’re a guy that needs real conversation!

Man hands model power tools and woodworking stuff. Hell, if this happened a few years back. Ya know… Pam Anderson was on the TV show “Tool Time” (a very hot chick) with Tim Allen. Power tools and Man hands. You could of been carried on the coattails of Pam Anderson. Think of the possibilities,lots of female bathing beauties. Bay Watch girls… hanging in bars with the Hoff. Don’t cut off your thumb spite your hand. Take a look at the big picture. Money isn't everything ,its the only thing...!


-Ace-

JJ said...

ROTFL... literally. Reading it to my wife who is also ROTFL.

Well, not exactly. We are both on the sofa watching John Edwards getting creamed in SC.

Unfortunately, there are two other Dems in the race which means one of them will win.

Jeff Skiver said...

Well, JJ, I didn't actually intend for this post to support any particular political party, since the last thing I want is a serious political rant.

I mainly wanted everyone to know that John Edwards does have plans to get back into his highly rewarding (financially speaking) legal career after he gets blown out in the very state where he was born.

Ya know what...I haven't lived in Indiana for 12 years, but I still think I could carry it in a national election if I wasn't up against someone who was currently living there.

I suppose it just shows that all of those lawyer jokes are based upon an undercurrent of hatred for ambulance-chasing "King of Torts" attorneys.

However, I am still glad you and your wife found this blog post funny. It's nice that my personal pain and suffering is so dang humorous to you. You people make me want to vomit.

JJ said...

I agree with you about not showing too much partisanship. Especially since I have noticed I am often on the opposite side...

But you really struck a nerve talking about My Guy: Haircut-John (I'm really living in this mansion because I'm always thinking about you pore folks... and it pains me that you don't have one just like me... so I'm going sue another filthy rich corporation, but I'm only doing it for you) Edwards.

JJ

Anonymous said...

Hey! A good hair cut is important. Or as we say here in the south "got a hair cut?" - "no, I got em all cut".

Mike said...

First off, Romney has much better hair than John Edwards. No contest.

And you'll never get those four into a cage match, for the simple reason that you'll never find a cage where the bars are close enough together.

Anonymous said...

Use Lexan. Great stuff.

JJ said...

Hey guys, I think we need to get this back to Jeff's purpose for his blog -- discussion of woodworking topics.

What I recommend is that John-John use Tite Bond (you know, water proof) and Romney use Gorilla (you know, foaming stuff you need to wipe off after you apply it for a couple of minutes).

Anonymous said...

I'd like to know what to use on Ron Paul

JJ said...

Hmmm. Maybe hide glue for Ron Paul.