Tuesday, December 18, 2007

A Stadium Anthem for Judaism

Well, boys and girls, with Chanukah a week behind us and Christmas looming one week in front of us, now is time when we should be knee deep in Egg Nog, Dreidels, Christmas Carols, and Chanukah Songs. However, there just aren’t that many Menorah rocking songs out there. It is kind of weird when Jewish singers record Christmas albums because they don’t have enough marketable songs about Chanukah to fill an album.

This led to a revelation a couple of years ago as I discussed this situation with my friend Mitch, the only Jewish guy in my entire company. (For some reason the Midwest just isn’t like the Sitcoms based in New York; we are mainly ham and bacon eaters in these parts.) So, as one of those Evangelical Christians who still looks upon the Jews as “God’s Chosen People,” I decided to give Israelite men everywhere a holiday gift…I wrote them a song.

The song below is set to the tune of AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” and it sings a lot better than it reads. So either go fire up Back In Black at 80+ dB on your stereo, or else jump over to a website where you can download it for a dime and use the lyric sheet below to sing along (scream along, actually) with Brian Johnson as I proudly give you Chanukah’s first stadium anthem…


(as inspired by AC/DC and the Talmud)

I was just 8 days old
I wasn’t missing a thing
My gear was intact; it had that little skin ring

I thought I was cool
I thought my life was complete
But Abraham thought that I should change my Pee Pee

My parents called it a Bris
But it was more of a Mess
The Moil treated me like he was Rudolf Hess

Cause the walls started shaking,
The earth was quaking,
My tool was achin’,
It was worse than a spankin’ cause He….

Cut my foreskin off!!!!!!
Yeah He…. Chopped my foreskin off!!!!!!!

There was no Epiderl, There was no novacane
He had a sharp knife, but
There was still intense pain.

I left there bloodied
My guy was starting to swell
But I was now part of God’s Israel

I didn’t ask for this
I didn’t want a Bris
But for God’s chosen people this is just how it is

Cause the walls started shaking,
The earth was quaking,
My tool was achin’,
It was worse than a spankin’ cause He….

Cut my foreskin off!!!!!!
Yeah He…. Chopped my foreskin off!!!!!!!
took a knife and cut it!!!! He………
Cut my foreskin off!!!!!!
I was crying cause He
Cut my foreskin off!!!!!!
Well he cut me,
Well he cut me…

He really cut me and HE!
trimmed my foreskin off,
Aaaaahaaaahaaaah He...
chopped my skin ring off,
Yeah yeah he,
cut my foreskin off,
He really cut me and he,
cut my foreskin off,
Yeah he cut me,
Yeah he cut my,
foreskin off.

There...now that wasn't all that painful, was it? Besides if I didn't write a hard rock Chanukah song, then we were going to have to suffer with another one of those Adam Sandler diddies that all sound the same anyway.


Jeff Skiver said...

Note to self...Circumcision is one of those things that KILLS with a live audience, but inspires neither witty banter nor pithy remarks in a blog setting.

Jeff Skiver said...

I'm almost over how badly this one bombed. Man, I thought this was good stuff. Chris, I now understand another one of your reasons for suggesting I write the blog...you want me to get this crap out of my system before I send it into you and ask you to put in in your magazine. I suppose the blog is the equivalent of trying out new material on a stage in Dubuque rather than taking it straight to Letterman. Well, Dubuque didn't dig the bit.

Woodworking analogies, Skiver, not comedy....

Oh yeah, it's like doing a test cut in scrap poplar before hogging into the Quilted Mahogany.

There...I'm over this one bombing, and if I hate myself for trying this bit, I'll just bring it up at the next SHA meeting. (Ahhh the classic callback....)

rab said...

Ha! I told myself to go back to this entry to see how much hate mail you received from those whose duty it is to keep the rest of us politically correct. The entry was as funny as all get out. But I was really looking forward to the hate responses. That's the great disappointment.

Anonymous said...

I was laughing my ass off when I read this. I swear to God...and the poor fellow that lost his foreskin.