Saturday, December 15, 2007

Self Haters and the People who Love Them

A couple of weeks ago I bought a plane on Ebay. You may remember; I even wrote a poem about it.

Well, here is the story behind it. I found the auction about 12 hours after it was listed, and it was a best offer auction that also had a $365 BUY IT NOW price. I looked at the price and went, “Wow!! Is it really $365? That’s what they cost when they were new.” I knew a few people had already seen the Ebay auction because there was already at least one question posted to the seller along with an answer.

I quick Googled around and confirmed that they were $350 back in 2002, and I jumped all over the $365 Buy It Now.

It arrived; I wrote the poem; I felt good.

Then, another one showed up on Ebay last week and the buyer’s remorse began.

The bidding started at $99 on 06DEC07 and the auction was to end a week later.

By December 9th, it was around $300, and the price just hovered there. I began to think I had paid too much. The problem with things that don’t show up on Ebay very often is it can be hard to exactly determine the fair market value.

CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!! I paid $365 for a $300 plane. RATS!!!!!!!!!!! They probably didn’t even sell all 500 of these special editions back in 2002. I just paid $365 for a special edition plane that Thomas Lie-Nielsen still has 450 of in his hall closet. I bet he used one of them to tip the Paperboy last Christmas. "Merry Christmas, Mr. Lie-Nielsen! Merry Christmas to you, Tommy. Here take a crappy little Special Edition plane that nobody wanted."

But it’s ok. I bought this for me. I don’t care that nobody else knows what they’re worth. I liked it.

Then, on December 12th, the price started climbing, and it plateau’ed at $365. Well, how about that, the fair market value is exactly what I paid using my lightning fast BUY IT NOW. I stopped kicking myself and calling myself profane names. I cancelled my appointment with my therapist and decided to skip that week’s SHA group session (Self Hatred Anonymous).


SHA is a big bunch of self-hating losers where each person tells the group what a miserable failure he is, and the group responds by reminding him of little things he is good at like parallel parking, tying bow ties, or rewinding VHS tapes. During one particularly bad point in my life the only thing that kept me going was my SHA group reminding me that I am diligent about removing that hardened chunk from the nozzle of Kraft Easy Cheese before I put it out for guests. (Thanks, guys. You saved my life that day.) Speaking of that…does anyone know the exact story of how Sugar Bear (the spokesbear for Super Sugar Crisp Cereal) saved Elton John’s life? I’ve always wondered about that. (Sorry. You know how easily I get distracted.)


Well, with the bidding on that Lie-Nielsen 2002 Special Edition #1 at $365, I knew I would avoid a major self-hatred breakdown.

Then, it happened….

A little after midnight, eighteen hours before the auction ended the next evening at 6:00 pm, the bids started to climb. And when I checked it from work late in the day, the price was over $400. And when the gillie suit wearing Auction Snipers showed up at the auction’s end, they drove the final price to $605.

Hot Dog, Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOO YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

$365 for BUY IT NOW….That’s what I’m talkin’ about.


Next thing you know, I’m out on the front porch waving my $365 2002 Lie-Nielsen Special Edition Number One and screaming “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!?!??!?” at the top of my lungs. (It’s ok…my neighbors began systematically ignoring (they say shunning) me years ago).

One last thought…since the guy who caught a $4 baseball with a market value of over one million dollars was going to be taxed on the larger amount if he kept it…does this mean the government is going to want to tax me on the $240 difference between the one I bought and the one that sold two weeks later?


AHHH CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?!?!?!?!?!?!

I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY AM I ALWAYS MAKING SUCH GOOD DEALS?!?!?!?!??!

WHY CAN’T I JUST LOSE MONEY ONE TIME??????

DOES EVERYTHING I TOUCH HAVE TO TURN TO GOLD?????

I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 comments:

Chris Schwarz said...

Next time you're at a chapter meeting of SHA, stop by the meeting next door: Self Lovers Anonymous. The group sharing part of the program is far more interesting.

Chris

Jeff Skiver said...

Actually Self Lovers Anonymous meets in the same room as us, but their meeting starts two hours earlier, and wraps up a half hour before ours (SHA) starts.

In fact, if you show up 15 minutes before the SHA meeting, you can catch the custodial staff hosing down the room with disinfectant.

However, it is still best to bring your own set of Clorox Disinfecting Wipes for buffing off your chair before the start of the SHA meeting.

Also, if you ever step is something while traversing the room, just let it go...you don't want to know. But it's so hard to just let it go. I HATE it when I step in organic puddles. I HATE MYSELF sometimes for being so Stupid. Is it really that tough to just watch where I am going?

Ron said...

Sorry about that, meant to clean that up but was busy bidding on a plane on ebay I got completely distracted.

Well not completely; after worrying about where I could find a paper towel the bidding ended and I lost.

Didn't feel worthy enough to stay for the next meeting.

Madame said...

I would never want to join any group that would be willing to have me as one of its members.