My wife and I subject each other to a lot of second hand noise.
As Gail sits in the living room knitting, she deals with the background noise drifting up from my basement woodshop. She also has to deal with my scream of testosterone-induced rage as I don one of my Old Man sweaters, stand at the front door shaking me fist, and yell at the neighborhood kids to “STAY OFF MY YARD!!!” Probably once or twice a year she has to tolerate the sickening sound of the bitchslaps I put on the migratory mime troupe that comes through on their way up to
The second hand noise I tolerate isn’t quite as offensive. Let’s face it…Gail’s knitting isn’t very loud. However, each morning as I sit with my laptop in the dining room desperately trying to feed all of my Webkinz before I start my day, I am forced to listen to the cable news show Gail religiously watches. It’s not just the perky talking heads that I have to hear…it’s the commercials from hell, too.
I first heard this commercial yesterday, and my brain semi-consciously registered a What the $@#%????? However, this morning the replaying of this commercial solidly lodged in the conscious part of my brain and chiseled out a ledge where it has painted a sign that calls it out as one of the nuttiest things I have ever heard seriously marketed.
(Pleases note the “…” in the title below creates a pregnant pause of almost a second and a half from the voiceover actor as he narrates the television commercial).
The Most Relaxing Classical Album in the World...Ever!
Honestly, it’s a real title. You can get it here.
Wow, there are a lot of unsubstantiated statements in that title. Well, it’s my belief they are unsubstantiated. Perhaps there are competitions among albums to see which is most relaxing.
They get really bubbly waitress types, pump them full of ephedrine and caffeine, then strap them into La-Z-Boy’s and force them to listen to music through headphones. Whichever album creates the largest total reduction in heart rate, respiration, and certain non-essential brain waves is considered to be the Most Relaxing Album. Obviously, competition among Classical albums is more intense than in the EuroTechno or ThrashMetal categories. In fact, the Classical competition is the main event; those ringside seats command Super Bowl ticket prices from scalpers.
I still have questions. Does one competition really determine the winner for the ENTIRE world as indicated by this album’s title? What if there is an unheralded classical album making the rounds in a village outside
Finally, I am skeptical of the use of the word “Ever.” Does the word “ever” in this title mean “from the beginning of man up to this point in time” or does it imply all future time as well? Even if it is possible to gather all of the music that has come before and rank it for relaxation value, it is not possible to know something won’t come along next Thursday that will make narcoleptics of all of us.
You know what…I just realized I am probably not the right guy to be complaining about sweeping generalizations like ones used in the title of this album. After all, am I not the guy that Chris Schwarz links to with the subtitle, “Is Jeff Skiver the funniest woodworker ever? Yes. Yes, he is.”
I suppose I should just be happy Chris chose to accentuate my sense of humor as opposed to my ability to put the smack down on non-verbal artists.