Sunday, March 1, 2009

Diane Lane Makes Another Play For My Affections

Alright, I now have confirmation that Diane Lane is messin’ with me.

Let’s face it, she had me back at Lonesome Dove. She really doesn’t need to keep doin’ these things to keep making me prove over and over that I’m still crazy about her.

Then again, it could likely be Netflix’s fault.

Netflix knows that Gail is the action car-chase half of our marriage, and I am the emotional crier. Netflix somehow knows my true feelings for Nicholas Sparks…even if there are more deaths than an episode of the Sopranos, his books suck in the emotional crying girl in me.

The Skiver Netflix queue belongs to me… not Gail. So the last three that arrived were an eclectic mix: Anatomy of a Murder, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, and one other.

This afternoon Gail and I watched the film adaptation of Nicholas Sparks’ “Nights in Rodanthe.”

It is in Rodanthe that Diane Lane did her latest little thing for me. In fact, it may have been the absolute HOTTEST thing I have ever seen on film (or upconverted DVD). Diane Lane was hand cutting joinery. A Hollywood vision of physical beauty was dovetailing. Diane truly raised the bar as she made this latest move to win me.

The last time she made a blatant play for me was a couple of years ago in “Must Love Dogs.” In that, she not only chose a movie with a dog theme, but there was also a woodworking connection. (Her character was hooking up with a John Cusack character that was a boat builder). Gail can tell you the horror of my constant pausing and zooming during Must Love Dogs to see if John Cusack was using a Lie-Nielsen block plane, verifying the clamps were Besseys, etc.

Still, in Rodanthe Diane Lane takes our relationship to a whole different league. It has her sharpening chisels and plane irons. Then she moves on to cutting half blind dovetails. She climaxes by using her plane shavings to burnish the surface of the smoothed wood.

Diane, I told you… you had me at Lonesome Dove, honey. I am very flattered that you keep trying to prove to yourself that I really am into you, but wouldn’t it be more efficient to just give me a call instead of making your moves through the movie roles you choose.

In closing, let this be the proof of the sincerity of my feelings about Diane. Diane Honey, it didn’t even matter to me that you cut the tails first. With the way you look, I can overlook what would normally be a show stopper. I won't give up my pins-first philosophy, but I'll tolerate you and your tail(s).


Anonymous said...

And don't forget the wholesale home improvement in "Under the Tuscan Sun!"

Jeff Skiver said...

Actually, I have never seen "Under the Tuscan Sun."

Ms. Lane and I were playing head games with each other....she wanted to go film in Italy... I didn't want her to go. Long story short: I am still being a 14 year old and refusing to watch that movie.

So really... she does the whole JoJo Liebler thing in that movie? Jeans and pony tail and paint splatters on the face?????

That's it!!!!!!! I'm updating the Netflix queue. Who knows there might be footage of the Giro d'Italia in the movie and I'll get a two-for.

JasonB said...

Back off Skiver! Diane is mine! And yes, she is quite adorably pony-tailed and paint splattered in "Under the Tuscan Sun".

Tim TAN said...

Jeff :

I believe that John Cusack was using a Stanley block plane in that movie, not a LN.

I was initially quite bored with that movie, until I heard the plane slicing the side of the boat; then my attention got gripped.

The guys at the Rockler store here in San Diego always comment that their DVDs are slow movers; and I have always advised them, for whatever it's worth, that if the producers added women to the shows, even non-woodworkers would buy them.

Diane Lane is a perfect candidate for that role.